Let Your Old Dreams Die

“Chiat Day. Get a job at Chiat Day advertising agency and you will have reached the top.”
It was the summer after my freshman year of college and I was working at an internship for an advertising agency in Downtown Los Angeles.

I was sitting at a table during lunch with my manager and she was asking me what I wanted to gain out of the internship and where I saw my career in advertising going.

I can hear that conversation so clearly in my mind, including the quote above, like it was yesterday. The whole scene is tattooed in my memory: the serious look on my manager’s face, the shuffling of the people in line ordering their food, the honking cars stuck in downtown lunch rush hour.

I remember it so clearly because I didn’t really know what I wanted to do but the way my manager emphasized the name “Chiat Day” felt important. Even though I had no idea what it was, there was an energy behind how she said it that my very malleable brain, and more likely my dysregulated nervous system, clocked as “critical information.”

Fast forward 4 years later, with a mix of both dread and excitement, I’m sitting at my house signing the paperwork to start my position as a coordinator at Chiat Day / Media Arts Lab.

Fast forward a year after that and I’m sitting at a desk at 9 o’clock at night, hungry, tired, anxious and looking at a massive spreadsheet that’s making my eyes blur.

I had "made it." I had made it to the mecca of advertising and less than 1 year into my tenure at the historic agency, I was exhausted, miserable, disconnected and lost.

Headshot of my first day at Chiat Day \ Media Arts Lab. Ever hopeful, but if you look closely you’ll see a hint of dread behind my eyes.

But the outside world had no idea.

From the outside world it looked like I was thriving and most importantly, successful by all societal standards.

Even though I was used to being (and thriving in) high stress, high demand, intense and competitive environments, I had reached the end of my rope. My nervous system was shot and I was dying on the inside.

So, why did I stay? Why did I even say yes in the first place despite the dread I felt?

I said yes because it’s what I thought I was supposed to do. I said yes because I didn’t know what else to do. I said yes because I didn't know any better: I had a nervous system that was trained (and traumatized) to find comfort, safety and familiarity in stressful and adrenaline-fueled situations.

I said yes because years before, someone had told me “this is what success looks like” and I had listened and diligently obeyed.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret any of my time there. I learned invaluable lessons, developed really important skills and met amazing people.

And more importantly, because I was living so far outside of my authentic self and my energetic blueprint, but knew that I didn’t want to just jump to another job and be stuck with the same issues, I was actually forced to figure myself out. I chose to heal during my time there and discover who I really was and what I really wanted (or at least the next iteration of it).

But how often do we do this? How often do we define our dreams (and ourselves) based off of trauma and outside influences? How often do we choose (and stay in) jobs, relationships, schools, etc. based off of dysregulated nervous systems and definitions of success that were never ours to begin with?

How often do we choose a path, conscious or unconsciously, that was never ours to walk and block our own unique creativity, intuition and blessings?

I’d venture to say many of us who are reading this.

But.........these days my dreams and days look very different. My days at a corporate job are behind me.

I am writing this from a park drinking some hot tea and watching a very therapeutic massage happening in front of me (and asked said masseuse for their information). I’m doing work that doesn’t feel like work with really cool people and I spend a lot of time resting and towards my art, my passions and cultivating loving community and relationships.

My life is far from perfect but I have freedom. I have ownership over my time and where I choose to put my energy and that is priceless.

My new life headshot.

It hasn’t always been easy getting to this point. I’ve spent a lot of time healing my body, shifting my belief systems, letting go of relationships that were no longer in alignment and making uncomfortable and sometimes difficult decisions.

Most importantly, I had to let go of who I thought I was and what I thought I wanted.

I’ve had to lay the old dreams and the version of me that was committed to them to rest and grieve their death…….and still continue to do so.

This is not always an easy process and it’s one that we’ll have to go through over and over again in our lives but it’s a necessary and fulfilling journey if we want to make space for our true Self and the dreams that make our hearts feel big to be birthed into reality.

I’ll leave you with some questions to reflect on:

• What part of your life feels like an old dream? Outdated? Draining? (Perhaps something that you wanted in the past but no longer fits the You, today)

• What emotions come up for you when you think of this aspect of your life?

  • Honor them and create space to move through them.

• What is one dream, hope or vision that you’d like to see come into (more) fruition?

  • This doesn’t have to be major and it doesn’t even have to be something that you share with the world. It’s whatever that thing is - that thing that lights you up, that makes you excited and maybe even a little nervous.

• What is one step - it can be as small or as large as you have capacity for - (it’s all worth celebrating) that you can take towards honoring that dream

  • i.e: making a vision board, sharing it with someone you trust, journaling about it, signing up for a class or a course, asking someone out, putting out a job application…….

I know letting go can be hard. It can be scary and unnerving……..but I promise you'll be ok. You'll be more than ok.

There is a version of You, Bianca, and a version of your dreams that are ready and begging to come forth.

So do them, yourself and the world a favor, and let them come.