How to Change Your Behavior: Not Letting Your Past Dictate Your Future

I was talking with a friend today who was describing a tricky situation to me that she’s in with a client.

My friend is absolutely brilliant and honestly, the client is treating her like s**t.

And I’m not just saying that as her friend, they’re like actually really shitty.

They’re trying to gaslight and manipulate her and she’s ready to call it quits despite having consulted with them for awhile.

And she has every right to.

Her body has been giving her pretty clear signals on how it feels around it - losing sleep, feeling sick to her stomach, jittery and generally feeling ungrounded.

Despite listing all of the pros of not working with them anymore - more alignment with her values, respecting her boundaries, and creating more space for the other opportunities that are being offered to her, she expressed that she was still hesitant to make a decision.

When I asked her what she thought was holding her back, she said I’m afraid.

I stayed silent and let her finish.

She continued and said, “I’m scared of getting in trouble. I’m afraid I will be punished.”

What she meant was that she was afraid by cutting her contract short due to the way she was being treated, that they would sue her.

The chances of that, especially given the incredible work she has done for them and that they are a fairly large and extremely chaotic company, are slim.

When I told her that was unlikely to happen, she sighed and said “I know. It’s just that familiar feeling - I feel terrified that I am the one that’s done something wrong.”

Ah, and there it was.

“The familiar feeling.”

This wasn’t a new feeling. Her reaction and hesitation were not based in the current moment but instead based off of something that happened in the past.

I reflected back to her that this feeling was not new and she explained that yes, she felt this way her entire childhood as she was the one who was blamed or was unjustly held responsible for things that were not hers to hold.

Can you see the parallels to her current situation with her client? Can you also relate?

Her reaction was not coming from her adult nervous system but rather the nervous system of that younger version of herself.

That stress and trauma from her past stuck in her nervous system, waiting to appear again when situations similar to the past happened in the present so it could protect her and help her survive (like it did when she was a kid).

But she’s not a kid and this isn’t the same situation.

And while her brain might know that truth, her nervous system does not.

Her nervous system thinks she’s a kid again about to be blamed for something that wasn’t her fault and whatever repercussions came with that.

So, of course her current fear and hesitancy made perfect sense.

And while they were coming from a good place, those reactions weren’t the ones that were going to help her make the decision she knew and needed to make.

The boundaries she knew she needed to make.

The different path she knew (and was ready) to take.

But she also knew she needed to get herself regulated in order to make a clear and sound decision.

She isn’t new to EFT Tapping, one of the more simple (but efficient) techniques for emotional regulation, so she told me she was going to go tap and try to get herself in a more regulated state.

And while I knew that using EFT to tap on her current feelings of fear and anxiety could be helpful, what would be more powerful was if she tapped on the originating feeling, the source of where this was coming from.

I suggested that she choose a memory from her childhood that reminded her of this feeling and one that wasn’t a hugely intense memory, no more than an intensity level 5 out of 10 (I suggest working with a skilled practitioner to help safely navigate the intricacies that can come with more complex or traumatic memories).

As a simple process I told her to:

• Bring the memory to mind but keep it as a safe distance, don’t think of too many details

• Notice what sensations show up in the body or what emotions come up

• Tap through the EFT Tapping points and allow the stuck stress and trauma to release out the body

And a few hours later I received a message from her saying that she tapped, cried and declined to work with them 👏🏾.

And that is the importance of emotional regulation and the power of EFT Tapping.

Trauma and trauma brain minimize the choices and options that seem available to us out of a means of survival.

Yes, EFT releases the anxiety and stress and helps you feel more peace but more than that, it gives you back choice.

It gives you options you didn’t have access to before not because you aren’t smart but because stress and trauma simply won’t let you see them.

It’s like having blinders up or a filter distorting your vision.

EFT helps breaks down the blinders and remove the filter so you can see clearly with more pathways and possibilities.

It gives you your power back from moments when your power was taken away not because you can change the moment but because you can change your relationship to that moment.

It brings you and your nervous system back online from the past and into the present so the choices you make and actions you take are coming from who you are here and now and what you want here and now.

And not who you were and what happened to you.

If you’re new to nervous system healing, you may find Nervous System 101: Rewire Your Stress Response helpful.

And if you want to start your EFT Tapping practice, learn the basics and how to use it, you may find EFT 101: Permission to Heal more helpful or you can always check out my dozens of free EFT Tapping videos on Youtube.

Otherwise, if you want to go deeper with EFT, incorporate it more easily into your life so you can start taking back your power and taking different actions you can book 1:1 sessions with me here.

I’d love to hear if this resonates for you so feel free to email me back.

Sending you a lot of care,

Bianca