Navigating Conflict? How to De-escalate an Argument
A few weeks ago I somehow found myself in the middle of an argument between two friends that I truly did not sign up for but nonetheless ended up being somewhat of a mediator for.
While the details of the argument aren’t important, what’s important to know is that the basis of the argument was miscommunication in a text exchange and one of the people was very clearly in a trauma response.
How do I know it was a trauma response and not just emotions in the moment?
Her hands were physically shaking
She was unable to make eye contact with the other person
Her eyes would start to get a distant look about them
Her tears would become uncontrollable
She, thankfully, also stated that she was aware that her reaction was rooted in bigger / deeper issues beyond the current situation (which was clear) but she was still unable to get a handle on her emotional response.
As a clinically certified EFT practitioner it is my job to spot the signs of a trauma response and as a mindful communication facilitator it is my job to know how to both address and navigate that response in the context of an active conflict.
And this was an active conflict that was moving very quickly.
In our Conflict Transformation: Finding Ground During Conflict workshop(s), we lay out simple yet powerful steps to take when engaging in conflict (and have a desire to have it be generative / transformational vs. destructive).
Because I was brought into the argument a good deal after it had started and was also in ‘friend’ mode and not necessarily wearing my facilitator hat, it went past my boundaries to take them through the full steps.
However, I was able to pause them and ask if they would be open to trying something since they were going in circles and getting more and more frustrated / irritated.
I took one of them through one of the pillars of the workshop, Tools for Communicating.
This pillar consists of 3 steps:
Observation: state the observable FACTS of what happened (not your opinion of them)
Ex: You said XYZ in the text message
Impact: what the EFFECT of the behavior on you
Ex: When you said X, it made me feel Y
Request: What would you like in the future
In the future, it would be helpful if……..
Now, these may seem almost too simple (and for some, maybe even obvious) but the truth is that most of us have some sort of stress response when conflict arises (fight, flight freeze or fawn), which is another important exploration in the Conflict Transformation workshop.
When our stress response gets activated, our brain function decreases because the body believes it either needs to protect itself by either fighting, fleeing or freezing, so it can be very easy to forget even simple steps like the ones above.
I then took the other friend through the Tools for Listening, which is the other side of the coin to the Tools for Communicating.
After going through the steps, there was not a clear “solution” and that’s ok. That’s not the point…..that’s why the workshop is called Conflict Transformation and not Conflict Resolution.
But they each had a better understanding of where the other person was coming from, the argument de-escalated to more regulated conversation (vs. the yelling previously going on) and there was a plan made to talk at a later point when both parties had taken some space.
After reading the above, what are you noticing? What do you notice about how you show up to conflict? How others around you show up?
If you or your organization is interested in diving deeper, we have a half day, full day and two day version of Conflict Transformation: Finding Your Ground During Conflict.
For the sake of our relationships and the world beyond, it has never been more critical in these current and divisive times to have the skills to (more) skillfully navigate conflict.
Sending you ease,
Bianca