Got People Pleasing Patterns?
I recently went out with someone who told me something about what they’re looking for in their dating experiences. They said:
Being Clear is Being Kind
Even though it was such a simple statement, it has stuck with me ever since.
What they meant by that was with their dating partners, clear communication is kind communication; speaking your needs and boundaries clearly is the kind (and sexy) thing to do for everyone involved.
And that pretending to be into something or someone that isn’t true for you is not kind to yourself or to the other person.
While we were talking specifically within a dating context, I believe this concept extends to every aspect of our lives and relationships.
Their belief statement (clear is kind) reminded me of a personal reflection question that I’ve been consistently asking myself over the last couple of years and encouraging my clients to do so as well.
The question is:
Are you being kind or are you being nice?
For me, being Kind can look like:
Speaking your perspective, experience or needs honestly, directly and clearly (even if goes against or potentially upset the other)
Self-regulation (i.e you know how to tend to and regulate your emotions / nervous system)
Being sovereign in your own energy (i.e you are not absorbing / processing / owning the emotions or energy of others as your own and abandoning yourself)
Self-reflection on “your side of the street” (ie what is your own energy, emotional experience, needs and responsibility)
Validating your own experience and needs
Considering the humanity of yourself and the other person
Compassion for self and the other
Being ‘nice’ can look like:
The Fawn Response (people pleasing as a stress response)
Saying what you think the other person wants to hear to avoid conflict (aka people pleasing)
Staying silent when you want (or need) to speak up
Saying Yes when you want to say no (aka people pleasing)
Agreeing when you don’t agree (to avoid conflict)
Conflict Avoidance
Your voice changing from rooted in your body to high in your throat
Overly Accommodating
‘Stepping Over’ things that don’t sit right with you
In addition to this just feeling like a collective theme right now, I’ve personally had a number of situations pop up in the last week that had me confront my own people pleasing history.
In moments where I felt tension and something felt “off”, I had to ask myself: "am I going to be kind or am I going to be nice? Is this a time to speak to what I’m noticing or feeling?"
I won't lie, a few of the times I had to do my own tapping to clear some of the dysregulation and activation that I felt and then make a clear choice of how I wanted to deal / confront it.
For me, being kind isn’t about just saying whatever you want to say and leaving a trail of destruction behind you because it’s “your truth.”
No, it’s much more nuanced than that.
It’s rooted in a deep regulated connection to your truth moment to moment and when appropriate and necessary, speaking to that truth while also holding and honoring the humanity of another.
Being nice is fundamentally rooted in people pleasing.
And I say this with all the love and compassion in my heart and from personal experience:
People pleasing is a high art form of manipulation.
I know. Ouch.
But..... it's making others believe something about you that isn’t (fully) true.
I really do say this with true compassion because people pleasing is rooted in the Fawn Stress Response where somewhere in our experience or lineage, we learned that it wasn’t safe to express our perspective, opinions or experience.
As a means of survival, our nervous systems taught us to avoid conflict or the potential of upsetting the other.
It’s a deep wound trying to protect us from something we deem as dangerous; in this case the fear of being retaliated against or losing a relationship or love.
It’s a false sense of control that makes us believe “if I say (or don’t say) this thing, I will be safe.”
But we have to really examine that because maybe as a kid that was what we told ourselves when we experienced hurt or harm from expressing ourselves and it not being met in the way we needed to…..but as an adult, does that still ring true?
Does saying or doing the thing we don’t mean or NOT saying or doing the thing we don’t mean really helping us?
My own personal experience and in working with other many (highly sensitive) folks is that no, it doesn’t.
It might provide us with a momentary sense of security when we avoid what we may perceive to be as potential conflict but in the long run I have found that it erodes at our sense of self trust, self worth and self expression and creates relationships and life experiences that are based off of an illusion of who you really are and what you truly want / need.
It might feel scary to say or do the thing that could bring up conflict with another (maybe they don’t agree with your POV or a life shift) and that’s understandable if you have a history where it didn’t feel safe to express yourself.
This is why nervous system regulation and clearing those experiences from our bodies is so critical……so we can begin to feel that safety.
And when we start to heal our nervous system and take steps of saying and doing what is real for us, no matter how small it may be, we begin to re-train our bodies and brains to know that speaking and living the truth is safer than lying to ourselves and to others.
Please note that, as always, there is nuance in this just like with all of life.
There are situations where this might not be true; sometimes “the other” is actually not someone who can receive what you’re saying and in that case shifting your own actions or boundaries without necessarily having a conversation is still kind.
The more we can do this, the more the gap between our inner world / desires / needs and our external reality begins to close.
And the more we can show up with integrity to the world around us.
For support I offer you the following:
A prompt: What is one small “truth” you can speak or act on today?
This doesn’t need to be earth shattering where you confront your primary caretaker about your deepest trauma with them; it can be as small as correcting the way a barista says your name.
An Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) video for People Pleasing:
One of the reasons we stay in people pleasing tendencies is because we have previous experiences stuck in our nervous system that tell us it is not safe to speak our truth. The more we can be kind to ourselves and clear this from our bodies, the easier it will be to take those actions.