Just because you *Can*, does it mean you *Should*?

I’ve been thinking a lot about this concept of having the capacity to do something vs. having the desire to do it especially during the holiday season. 

I’d like to clarify here that I don’t mean abandon life responsibilities or what you know to do that is healthy for you, your life or your relationships. Discernment is always 🔑. I mean in those conscious moments when you actually can choose differently for yourself in a way that would open up a new world of being, acting and engaging in life…… do you?

I was talking to a friend the other week as they were looking to purchase a home out of state and they were given a deadline to choose by end of day. They ended up calling me, slightly frenzied, because they liked the home and it was in their budget so they could technically make the deadline.

I asked what the hesitation was and they said they didn’t feel connected to the area but that the houses there go fast and they didn’t want to miss out on the great opportunity.

Knowing them and what they’d been through in the last year and their desire to create more peace and stability in their life, I asked a simple question: “I know you *can* do it, but do you actually want to do it? And do you need to do it?'“

They paused for a moment to reflect. They eventually answered, with what felt like a renewed sense of clarity, that they didn’t…..at least not in this moment. It didn’t feel good in their body. It would have continued a cycle of high octane stress and harm they are trying to break as well as reinforced a story that to “succeed” and “get ahead” meant blowing out their nervous system. It ultimately would have contributed to more trauma.

And this is a question, or rather a reflection, that I find myself engaging in often especially when I am trying to make decisions - anything from going to certain gatherings to working with certain clients- or feel into the next puzzle piece of a vision for an aspect of my life: “Do I actually want to do this? I know I could probably do it / make it happen, but do I actually want that?”

To acknowledge both my own ableism and privilege, I’m capable of “doing” a lot of things in life. To some extent, regardless of our history and experience, most of us - or at least those reading this - are likely able bodied humans capable of “doing” a lot of things whether we want to or not and whether it’s innate or not. We’re trained to be this way with ourselves, relationships, jobs and often times that’s out of survival. Life has trained us. Capitalism has trained us. Our trauma has trained us.

Our nervous systems are so engrained to push and ignore our instincts that we lose sight of what looks / feels authentic to our blueprint. We can often times lose our flow (or maybe we’ve never really known it to begin with), and we end up creating more of the same in our life that doesn’t actually work (but we be thinkin it’s new and gonna be different this time 👀).

This is not about unhealthy patterns of opting out of or avoiding life, it’s about creating healthy patterns of how to more appropriately opt-in……opt-in to to what feels most true to us; to find ways to create enough space in between response and reaction to choose differently; to choose authentically; to create habits, careers, relationships and a life that’s a direct reflection of our values and deepest desires.

This is not an overnight process. I am constantly learning and I am consciously co-creating a lifestyle where I have the space to do so. I’ve committed myself to being curious as to what “I can vs. I want” looks and feels like day by day by staying in tune with who I am from moment to moment; committing to staying conscious as to where I am choosing from: past based desires / “shoulds” or current intuition.

This process takes time. It takes patience. It takes being really gentle with myself. It takes slowing down when I can, even in the chaos of life. It takes prioritizing my self-care and healing my nervous system above all else so I can show up for myself, others and my life in a way that honors who I am and the person that is being pulled forth.

We can all create this space, it doesn’t take stopping your whole life. When it’s appropriate (remember, discernment) this question of “Do I actually want to do this?” can be a gentle invitation; a pause; a reminder to come back home to ourselves; to reflect; to check in and discern what feels true to us and then figure out what action to take from there (it also takes boundary work if it requires saying No to others 🙃).

As always, sending love, courage and sovereignty.