The Stress Response Series: Fawn
I was in acting class the other week and while trying to get to my seat I accidentally nudged the head of the woman in front of me.
Before I could even apologize, the woman had turned around and very passionately and sincerely said “I’m so sorry!”………to me! I had bumped into her but she turned around and apologized to me.
She was frazzled and despite my attempts at apologizing she was insistent that it was her fault.
I let it go because she has shared about the challenging childhood she experienced and how it shows up in her daily life and even though this seemed to be one of those moments, this was not the time or place to dive deeper into that conversation, especially uninvited. #boundaries
But this does bring us to our last, but certainly not least, stress response of the series (insert link to blog). Last week we discussed Freeze and this week we will be going deeper around Fawn (there are other noted responses such as “Flop” but we won’t be going there in this series).
Yes, we made it folks! Ya’ll stuck around for an entire month as we have gone deeper into the nervous system / stress responses and with a 70% open/read rate (as a reference point: 19% of professional services, wellness, and fitness newsletters are opened) plus the comments I have been receiving, it definitely seems to be a topic that is hitting a nerve (you see what I did there? Nervous system humor 😂)
So let’s dive in one final time shall we?
Fawn is one of the newer editions to the stress response line-up and is a personal favorite of mine because of the history and healing around it both with myself and with my 1:1 clients.
For those who might just be joining us, the point is not to never have stress and/or to never have a response. They are there for a reason - they kept many of our ancestors alive (and are the reason we are here today) and in our current lives we still need these responses in certain moments to protect us.
The problem becomes when we have these responses and we can’t / don’t come out of it; when our body stays in these different modes and we remain in prolonged states of stress.
Similar to the Freeze response, the Fawn response is a blend of hyper and hypo-arousal or a mix of fight / flight and shut down.
Defined as a stress response that causes us to seek safety by complying with the wishes of others, Fawning is often rooted in childhood (like all of the responses are) when our nervous system tried to deal with conflict or gain security in relationships by being agreeable and suppressing our true feelings.
This pattern can translate in the present time to:
People-Pleasing
Co-Dependency
Struggling to speak up on personal thoughts / needs / opinions
Having a hard time saying “no”
In the high stress, high demand quick moving pace of our society and particularly within organizational spaces, historically the people who say “yes” are the ones that are rewarded, even if that yes comes at the cost of their own needs, boundaries and overall wellness.
For those who the Fawn response is their go to (and may not even realize it), saying “no” might not even seem like a possibility in order to “stay ahead (or just keep up)” and can experience resentment and burn out at higher levels.
When we are unable to heal this pattern, we may find that we lose our sense of identity (blend in to those around us), have a difficult time identifying our feelings, experience unhealthy relationship dynamics and can get taken advantage of.
6 Ways to Address the Fawn Response
1.) Notice Fawn response moments
when is your fawn response the most active? Get curious when/if there’s a pattern (write them down if you are able to)
Example: when are you saying yes but really want to say no (or vise versa)
2.) Take a sacred pause.
Notice what’s happening in your body before you give a response to someone.
If you are able to look back and track these “fawn” moments, can you identify a feeling in your body?
3.) Delegate
With the fawn response there is a fear of disappointing others; however, when we delegate we are honoring our boundaries and coming up with a solution to getting done the task at hand
4.) Stop explaining yourself
Yes, sometimes we need to provide context; however, if you find yourself explaining yourself frequently and excessively then taking that sacred pause before speaking (which may feel uncomfortable) can be very transformative.
5.) Stop Apologizing
If you have genuinely hurt someone’s feelings, caused harm in some way or made a mistake that you need to take responsibility for absolutely say “I’m sorry.” If you have not done that, explore other phrases that embody what you are trying to communicate. Excessive use of “I’m sorry” can diminish your own personal power and the impact of the phrase when you do actually need to use it.
6.) Support / Community!
The Fawn response can be complex and deeply rooted so finding professional support and also non-professional support / accountability / safe community can be deeply healing
As important as it is to notice and address the response, if it’s something that is frequent and ongoing, it’s equally as important to get curious about its deeper roots (examining your environments, relationships, belief systems, past traumas and overall nervous system health/healing).
This may be something you feel safe to do and explore on your own and it also may require professional support. Either way, give yourself the gift of healing on the deeper levels so you have full access to your energy (vs. spending all of your time and energy trying to manage your stress.
Thanks for joining in on this series and if you made it this far honestly big hats off to you as I know our email inboxes can be a war zone for our attention.
Until next time, sending you peace and clean energy,
Bianca
p.s - If you want to dive deeper into the stress responses and how to manage them, I have a short self-paced course that you can download here.