Permission to Pivot

just finished 4 weeks of surf therapy for BIPOCs with my surf community, Color the Water, and it was life changing to say the least.

I wish I could say it was because of some picturesque image of serene waves that I was hopping on and easily connecting with the ocean……but nope.

Not even a little bit.

For those of you who don’t know, we Angelenos have really been suffering these last couple of months with the lack of sun (we’re a sad bunch lol) and the surf conditions during the month of June weren’t ideal.

It was cold and windy and for a beginner like me, it was intimidating and challenging to try to read the waves and understand what to do in real time.

One of my main issues as both a beginner and as a serious athlete for half of my life was that I was trying to catch every wave that was coming at me.

I would see the wave, commit to catching it and then do everything I could to ride it.

As my teacher repeatedly said, “you’re just doing a lot, Bianca.”

And it wasn’t just me, a lot of us in the group would do this.

After getting tossed and tumbled along the ocean floor a few times, she brought us out of the water and shared with us the concept of “the pivot.”

She explained that first and foremost it’s not a requirement to try to catch every wave because every wave is not for us and you exhaust yourself trying to do so (how appropriate is that for a life metaphor 🙃?).

And secondly that just because you initially commit to taking a wave doesn’t mean you have to actually do it.

The ocean is unpredictable and a wave can change in a heartbeat which means that you have to be ready to change in a heartbeat as well for the sake of your own safety and also to honor your experience in real time.

She gave us the example that maybe you start paddling for a wave and realize it’s actually bigger than you thought it was going to be and you don’t feel ready.

Instead of frantically trying to do something you no longer want to do, you can actually just bail.

You can get off your surfboard and stop trying to catch the wave that you no longer want to catch.

I was astounded by this information.

…….what do you mean “yOu CaN jUsT bAiL”??

As someone who commits *very* deeply to things almost to my own detriment, primarily out of fear of seeming like a "failure", it didn’t even occur to me that I could just……stop…….and make a different choice.

But how often do we do this in life?

How often do we commit to something and perhaps at some point we realize that thing isn’t right for us anymore and instead of acknowledging the misalignment, we continue to force ourselves down that same path?

Believe me, I understand the necessity of commitment and follow through and the important muscle that builds but what’s the point if your soul is dead and you’re completely depleted by the end (if there is an end)?

How often do we force ourselves down a road that we no longer want to travel along for the sake of meeting someone else’s expectations or our own outdated expectations or just out of stubbornness of trying to make something work (even if it no longer works)?

*cheers to me and my very stubborn Taurus moon*

As with anything else, this isn’t black or white. This isn’t to say to just walk away from every single thing because it gets hard or we no longer feel the same connection.

We can’t always just do that - it’s not always appropriate or even feasible.

It’s to say to have discernment; to know when to keep paddling for that same wave and when you need to pivot (and what pivot works best for you).

It’s understanding when a pivot is a disguise for a fear of commitment and follow through and when it’s actually supporting your evolution.

Because if it’s the latter, when you give yourself permission to pivot, you acknowledge who you are here and now; you acknowledge your own shift in tides.

For me, this is one of the most important aspects of true self-love; true self-acceptance.

A few ways I've pivoted to align myself with who I am today:

• Left my corporate job

• Stopped doing DEI work

• Released relationships that were no longer aligned with my values

• Stopped drinking

• Saying No.....a lot.

• Spending more time alone to go within, reflect and prioritize my mental health

• Started prioritizing my creativity

• Lessened years of high intensity workouts in favor of movement that better honored my body  

Maybe you’re no longer the person that started out on that path when you did; maybe you changed along the way and what you wanted then isn’t what you want now.

Or maybe you still want that thing but you just need to change how you’re paddling.

It might not make everyone around you happy (which is an exhausting goal anyways) but it’s ok to change your mind.

It means you’re an evolving human that also has evolving dreams, needs, wants and desires.

Instead of seeing this as a fear or a burden, maybe we can start to see it as a privilege; a privilege to know we can always make a different choice; a healthier choice; a more joyful choice.

Is there somewhere in your life where your soul is asking for a pivot (or a paddle change)? Is there one tiny baby step you can take to honor who you are here and now?

Rooting for you,
Bianca

p.s - surfing has become significantly more joyful since realizing I don't need to perform; I don't actually need to try to catch *every* wave, especially when it doesn't feel safe for me to do so!

p.p.s - If you identify as BIPOC, are in the Los Angeles area and interested in learning how to surf here is a link where you can find out more about Color the Water, learn about their mission and sign up for free lessons!