Are You Protecting Your Peace or Just Conflict Avoidant?

A couple of months ago a dear friend and colleague of mine, Serian Strauss, and I led a 3 day retreat around Conflict Transformation for a human rights organization.

The focus of the retreat was around the conflict they were experiencing around their external communication surrounding Palestine.

The problem was not that they were loudly in one another’s faces, yelling at one another and/or saying blatantly disrespectful things.

No, most of the problem actually came from the opposite: they were too nice.......and they were completely avoidant.

Upon meeting the team on the first day, it was clear they were very close both professionally and personally. They were like a little family.

However, what became increasingly obvious over time was that hidden beneath that closeness and under the guise of “being kind / caring” was a lot of unspoken thoughts, feelings and ultimately, a lot of resentment that was eating away at their bonds with one another.

One of the biggest turning points came when we asked them, if they could guess, what was the collective stress response of their team / organization around this conflict?

Every single person answered: the fawn response (people pleasing, running away from, etc).

Despite the closeness of their team, this directly translated to being conflict avoidant and clearly highlighted the relational ruptures that had unfolded thereafter.

Although uncomfortable, we called forth that hidden / unspoken truth, which was that:

In trying to be “nice” and side stepping challenging conversations, most people were actually creating the exact relational ruptures they were trying to avoid.

Once we uncovered this in conjunction with everyone’s individual stress responses, we were able to start moving towards one of the most important frameworks and practices to support them in addressing the conflict in a life affirming, generative and transformative way.

Is this a framework that creates comfort? No, definitely not.

But just because something isn’t comfortable doesn’t mean that it’s wrong...... and conflict is ultimately, uncomfortable (hence why so many of us avoid it).

And if we have a history where conflict has not felt safe (or flat out dangerous) to engage in, then our nervous systems are certainly not going to be running towards it with open arms.

However, when we have both tools for our nervous system and for communication, it no longer has to be the thing that needs to be avoided.

When approached with skill and care it can be one of our greatest paths to personal, professional, creative, relational and spiritual growth.

By the end of the retreat, things were not wrapped up in a pretty bow.

This type of work is not attached to the urgency for resolution that often creates more problems but rather, rooted in the groundwork for a path towards deeper and more transformative solutions.

For this group this looked like the underlying hidden resentment no longer being present, relationships had shifted for the better and multiple new possible structures for working through collective (and interpersonal) conflict had been created and agreed upon.

I was so moved by the way this organization showed up and what happened once they actually embodied and practiced the tools, that I did a quick check-in on my own life to see if there were places where I was avoiding conflict……. and wouldn’t you know it, there was.

It was a conversation with a long time friend that needed to happen for months after her husband and I had a difficult conversation around Palestine that resulted in me taking some space.

But after running my own workshop (nothing like a good mirror), it occurred to me that I was no longer just taking space or ‘protecting my peace’, I was actively avoiding conflict with them all together.

A huge part of that was, as one of my oldest friendships, I had to battle my own fears around what I assumed she would say and potentially lose the friendship.

But at some point the weight of going against my own values became much bigger than the fear of losing the relationship and I decided to practice what I preach and use my own tools.

It was not easy, it was not perfect but it challenged assumptions she and I had both made about one another and in a lot of ways it created much more clarity about our relationship and where we stand.

We're living in a world right now where we're fighting anyone who has a different perspective than us or “protecting our peace” to the point of avoiding dialogue that's actually critical to our personal, relational and collective growth and healing.

Nuance has truly gone out the window.

But there is a middle way; a different way; a way that can move us forward vs. keeping us stuck in cycles of perpetual harm, dominance, denial and/or avoidance.

And if we want a kinder, safer world, along with healthier relationships (and dynamics) that truly reflect our values, it's part of the way we'll need to start sorting ourselves out.

If you’re interested in learning more about these tools, practices and frameworks you can click here.

Until next time, sending you love and solidarity.

Bianca

p.s - My Youtube channel offers dozens of free videos to support your nervous system, particularly during these times.