Why I Stopped Identifying as an Empath (and you can too)

In last week’s newsletter, I posed the question: "Is that Emotion/Energy Even Yours?" and then I created a short Instagram reel to capture its sentiments.

That newsletter had a 70% open rate and as of yesterday, that reel has almost 1 million views.

What that tells me is that not only is this a really important topic but it’s also one that I don’t think gets enough attention.

And the attention that it does get, I can’t say I am always in agreement with.

As I have occasionally scrolled through the over 700 comments on that reel, one of the most prominent themes that I observed was around being an Empath:

"This is the downside of being an empath"
"Absorbing other’s emotions is so exhausting - such is life as an empath"
"I feel so seen as an empath"

While I was glad that people resonated with the video and what I wrote about it, at this point in my life I personally no longer identity as an empath.

And I’ll tell you why (please keep in mind this is my personal truth and may not resonate for you)……

Even if I didn’t always use the word, for most of my life I did strongly identify with the traits of being an empath:

• I could feel what others were feeling, sometimes even more strongly than they were

• I could walk into a room and feel the emotions of the room

• I was always the person that people came to with their emotional "stuff"

• If someone was upset, I was also upset

• If someone was angry, I was also angry

• Whatever emotion someone was feeling, I was right there feeling it with them

• I wanted to fix everyone’s / the world’s problems

That was the way I operated because I assumed "that’s just how I am."

In a lot of ways I carried the empath title as a badge of honor because I felt like it allowed me to connect with people on a deeper level and allowed me to help them feel better.

I liked knowing that people found refuge in me and that I could feel the range of human emotions. I felt like it gave me a sense of purpose.

Meanwhile, I was constantly stressed out, burnt out, overwhelmed, confused, anxious, exhausted, had pains in my body and ongoing digestive issues.

…….."But I’m so good at helping people!" Is what I would tell myself as I sat listening to someone tell me their life story / problems and actively absorbed whatever energy / emotion they were releasing.

I had zero energetic boundaries and my nervous system was constantly dysregulated
but my ties to being an empath were still too strong for me to see that this was killing me.

This all came crashing down in 2020.

At the time I was running a Diversity, Equity & Inclusion consultancy, in a 2 year intensive leadership program and involved with a virtual women’s giving circle.

Absolutely none of those things had any form of boundaries and my entire life revolved around sacrifice, service and giving to others.

In a way I felt helpless…..like this is just how it is for someone like me.

Because I had the capacity to serve and help people, I felt like it was then my responsibility to do so. My entire life, being and identity were entangled with this.

I hit my rock bottom when I started working with a spiritual mentor who turned out to be deeply unwell and a true narcissist (that word is extremely overused and misused but I use it here with confidence and certainty).

It was one of the most painful experiences of my life but in a lot of ways changed the trajectory of my life and my work because it was during this time that I was shown a video by Maryam Hasnaa called "Retiring the Empath Identity."

The video is no longer on Youtube but if I could post it here, I would.

It never occurred to me that I could un-identify with being an empath but I knew I couldn’t live like this anymore.

Something deep inside of me knew that this identity had reached the end of its usefulness.

Because while at some point I had worn "Empath" as a badge of honor, I was now slapped with the distressing reality that it was completely draining my life force in every way imaginable.

And not only that, it was leading me towards manipulative, harmful and borderline dangerous situations and people.

But that’s what happens when you are absorbing emotion that isn’t yours, you are absorbing information that isn’t yours either; you end up confused and feeling things and making decisions that aren’t in alignment with your energetic blueprint; your true self.

I started to see my entire life differently and why I had gotten into some of the situations I had gotten myself into.

For much of my life, I wasn’t running my own energy. I wasn’t even connected to it. There were moments here and there, for sure. But overall I was completely disconnected to my own energy source.

How could I not be?

During my own healing journey around this, I learned that so much of my empath identity was a trauma response and connected to my own survival needs from childhood.

"I’m going to absorb the emotions of others to……"

• Make sure they are ok

• Make sure they don’t get mad at me

• Make sure this situation stays safe

• Make sure I stay safe

• Make sure they don’t lose their love for me

• Stay connected to them

When I started to heal my nervous system, primarily through Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) and started to address some of the deeper roots of my fawn response and people pleasing lifestyle, the way I ran my energy started to shift.

My mantra became: "It’s safe to be in my own energy" (I literally had post-its reminding me this all over the place I was living) and my religion became *minding my own business.*

While I fully identified as Highly Sensitive (which I’ll be diving into more in the next few weeks), it was no longer empowering for me to identify as an Empath because for me; it came at too great of a cost.

I no longer wanted to feel pain that wasn’t mine. I didn’t want to feel things that weren’t true for me. I didn’t want to feel so exhausted, confused and anxious all the time.

I was tired of it.

While I was committed to honoring my sensitivity as a Highly Sensitive Person, I was also committed to honoring my energetic boundaries which meant that the empath identity had to go.

For awhile I was afraid that I was going to lose my "gifts" - my ability to sense emotions and connect deeply with others and the world around me but I came to realize that there is a difference between having empathy for someone/thing and being an empath.

I could still deeply connect with people and the world without taking on their stuff.

And the more that I released the need to absorb what wasn’t mine, the more connected I got to my own energy and intuition.

My energy started to come back to me because the ways I could be
entangled, manipulated or confused before started to lose their grip.

In my 1:1 clients and in my life, I could see myself, people and situations much more clearly because I wasn’t getting lost in the sauce of emotions that weren’t even mine.

This has allowed me to be in service in a way that isn’t a sacrifice to my own well-being while also increasing the potency of what I offer.

And while the dynamics of many of my relationships completely changed or the relationship was lost all together because I was no longer available to be an emotional sponge / dumping ground, the ones I have now and continue to call in are much more aligned and fulfilling.

This will be an ongoing journey for the rest of my life (Pisces Rising here so boundaries aren't exactly hard wired into me) but it's the only way if I want to thrive vs. be in constant energetic survival.

If you are reading this and you identify as an Empath and it works for you, I really do think that’s amazing. This is simply my personal experience and the work that I often help my clients move through.

Your value is not defined by how much (energy) you give to other people.

You deserve to have access to all of your energy and to be your whole sovereign self.

You deserve to honor your exquisite sensitivity without sacrificing your entire being.

You deserve to connect to people and the world around you without losing who you are.

Sending you so much love,

Bianca

p.s - I created this funny Instagram reel to capture all of this

Weekly Energy Practice

You do not need to be a practitioner or even fully understand energy to engage in energetic (boundary) practices.

The book,Energy Healing for Trauma, Stress & Chronic Illness(Chapter 7) by Cyndi Dale offers this for energetic boundaries or cleaning / strengthening your Auric Field:

Key Terms:

• Auric Field: the energetic space roughly arms distance surrounding you above, below and around all sides of you

• Healing Streams of Grace: A sun with continual available beams of healing light radiating from its center  

The Process:

• Acknowledge your own personal spirit and the spirit of the person (or people) you are dealing with

• Ask that your Spirit (or whatever you believe in) pour healing streams of grace through your Auric Field

• Allow golden light to flow through your entire field. Feel this in your body.

• Ask for any energy that is not yours be returned back to the Earth (do not send it directly back to the person)

• Ask Spirit (or whatever you believe in) to move your Auric Field into the right places and spaces for your own well-being. Allow yourself to feel the shift.

Energy work is often subtle so allow this to be easeful - it doesn't mean it's not impactful.

Feel free to report back any difference you may feel!